


the integrity of the setting

by amazingspaceship



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dungeons and Dragons, Oneshot, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 10:17:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16553909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amazingspaceship/pseuds/amazingspaceship
Summary: Dave: do you want me to cast bestow curse on your dickDave: is that what you want me to do because ill do itDave: ill burn a spell slot i dont even care





	the integrity of the setting

Dave: ok i got this  
Dave: i approach the guard  
John: oh my god.  
Dave: and as im walking i like  
Dave: adjust my outfit  
Dave: so that its sorta hanging all loose  
Dave: maybe one of my shoulders is showing  
Dave: and im like  
Dave: swinging my hips  
Dave: like im on faeruns next top model or some shit  
Dave: and as i get closer i give him a sultry smirk  
Dave: and do a little suggestive wink  
John: this is such a terrible idea.  
Dave: no dude shut up  
Dave: its going to work this time  
Jade: that is what you said the last time! >:(  
John: and the time before that.  
Jade: and the time before that!  
Dave: shut up i didnt criticize you when you did the thing with that gnome  
Dave: rose what happens  
Rose: Sigh.  
Dave: dont you literally say the word sigh at me rose  
Dave: dont you do that  
Rose: The guard is intrigued; his eyes rake over your muscular body, noting the way your muscles strain under the fabric of your outfit.  
Dave: wait isnt that how you described it last time  
Rose: I actually have several pages of pre-written flirting on hand.  
Rose: I figured I might as well be prepared.  
Dave: honestly thats completely fair  
Dave: ok so i say  
Dave: hey stud  
Dave: ever been with a tiefling before  
Rose: Sigh.  
Dave: what did i literally just say  
John: i am going to get a soda, someone come get me when this is over.  
Jade: nooooo john dont go!!!  
Jade: i need moral support :(  
Rose: Roll a persuasion check.  
Dave: cmon big money big money  
Dave: damn it  
Dave: three  
John: HAHAHAHAHA  
Dave: i swear to god these fucking dice are cursed or something  
John: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
Dave: dude i will upend this cup over your head i give no fucks  
Rose: The guard becomes suddenly disinterested.  
Rose: Perhaps your sexy dance wasn't sexy enough? Whatever the reason, he is becoming noticeably more hostile.  
John: nice going dumbass.  
Dave: fuck you  
Jade: i want to shoot him in the head!  
Rose: The guard or Dave?  
Jade: the guard i guess  
Jade: i can always shoot dave later! >:B  
Dave: wow fuck you too  
Dave: i guess the next time you need a buff cast you can count me out  
Dave: both of you are terrible wingmen  
Rose: Roll an attack roll.  
Jade: seventeen!  
Rose: That's a success.  
Rose: Your arrow flies through the air, burying itself in the side of the kobald’s head.  
Rose: He drops to the floor, dead, and the three of you may now proceed unmolested into the dungeon proper.  
Jade: yay!!  
John: it is about time!  
John: i am glad that at least one of us is competent.  
Dave: i hate this family  
Rose: The party descends a cracked and crumbling stairway, emerging into a large underground room. The the walls and floor are stone brick, lit by flickering torches, The ceiling is a mess of jagged stalactites. You can hear the faint sound of rushing water, perhaps from further on in the dungeon. On the far side of the room is an imposing stone door, carved with strange runes.  
Rose: Why don’t the three of you take a short rest?  
Rose: This will probably be your last chance to do so for a while.  
John: well that’s ominous!  
Dave: yeah no kidding  
Jade: a rest sounds good to me!  
Rose: The three of you settle down on the floor of the dungeon’s antechamber, approximating a camp as best you can.  
Dave: sweet bro’s gonna play song of rest  
Dave: come get some healing yall  
John: i still can’t believe you named your character sweet bro.  
Dave: ok youre one to talk  
Dave: you named your dude john  
John: excuse you, it's ‘j’on.’  
John: there is an apostrophe in it, that’s how you know that it is a fantasy name.  
John: unlike you, i care about the integrity of the setting.  
Dave: do you want me to cast bestow curse on your dick  
Dave: is that what you want me to do because ill do it  
Dave: ill burn a spell slot i dont even care  
Jade: oh my god you guys!! both of your names are stupid!!  
Jade: just roll your health so we can get on with the story!!! jeez  
Jade: mingan tires of your silly shenanigans  
Dave: mingan causes like sixty percent of our partys shenanigans all on her own so shut up  
Dave: also this is out of character so you cant hear this  
Rose: I’m sorely tempted to spring an encounter on all three of you, purely to assuage my boredom.  
Rose: On the other hand, the more time you spend arguing about names the less closer we get to the end of the session, which means less time I have to spend planning for next week.  
Rose: So by all means, argue away.  
Dave: no fuck you  
Dave: im blowing off work for this i demand plot  
Dave: i drove all the way to your lame apartment to fight and or fuck some dungeons and or dragons and im not leaving until one of those things happens  
Dave: lets go investigate the door  
John: yeah that sounds good.  
Rose: It’s black, roughly twelve feet tall, and covered in some kind of writing.  
Rose: Dave, because you can read infernal, you can tell that it reads “enter not, interlopers, or thou shalt become one with the writhing legions of the dead.”  
Dave: i tell my party it says ‘employees only’  
Rose: ...  
Rose: You’re not... exactly wrong?  
John: we are going to die.  
Jade: oh absolutely!!  
Dave: yeah yeah lets get to the important stuff  
Dave: place your bets people  
Dave: whats behind the door  
Jade: im going to say kraken  
John: dragon!  
Dave: im gonna go with beholder  
Rose: Do you three really have to do this every time?  
John: obviously.  
Rose: Sigh.  
Dave: again with the sighing  
Rose: You pry open the door, showering your party in dust, and proceed single file down the narrow corridor.  
Rose: As you move deeper into the earth you began to hear a distant chanting. Formless, shapeless words that become more distinct the closer you get.  
Dave: (wow shit)  
Dave: (creepy)  
Jade: (i know, right??)  
Rose: The very ground beneath your feet seems to shiver; vibrating with what power, you cannot be sure.  
Rose: Finally, you step out into a cavernous, uh, cavern, amid a chanting loud enough to be nearly deafening.  
Rose: Before you stands a circle of robed cultists, their arms raised and hoods thrown back, arranged around an intricate summoning circle. At the center of this circle are the missing persons whom you were hired to find, or what is left of them.  
Rose: Behind the cultists the rocky ground ends in a cliff, beyond which stretches a vast, greenish lake. It ripples strangely, in some places still and in some places raging with waves.  
Rose: None of the cultists react to your presence, nor do they pause their ritual.  
John: i swing my hammer at one of the cultists.  
John: i have no idea what’s going on but i know freaky occult shit when i see it!  
John: no offense, rose.  
Rose: None taken.  
Rose: Roll an attack roll.  
John: uhhhhh...  
John: fourteen?  
Rose: That’s a hit, barely.  
Rose: You don’t even need to roll damage; he drops like a stone, unconscious.  
Rose: None of his fellows respond, although they seem to become more frantic in their chanting.  
Jade: if we can drop enough of them, maybe theyll stop the ritual?  
Jade: i loose an arrow at one!  
Jade: thats a six, oof  
Rose: Miss, obviously.  
Rose: The circle is beginning to glow, crackling with strange majiks.  
Dave: was there a j and k in there  
Rose: Maybe.  
John: dave, do something!  
Dave: what why me  
Jade: youre the only one who hasnt taken an action yet!!  
Dave: im a bard what do expect me to do  
Dave: sing at it  
John: dude come on!!  
Dave: okay okay keep your pants on  
Dave: cloak  
Dave: whatever  
Rose: The circle is beginning to shine in earnest now, and there is an answering glow from within the lake. The shaking in the ground has worsened, and chunks of rock have begun falling from the ceiling.  
John: DAVE HURRY UP!  
John: GO GO GO.  
Dave: uh  
Dave: shit um  
Dave: i cast uh  
Jade: DAVE!!!  
Dave: i cast  
Dave: i cast  
Dave: i cast calm emotions  
John: ...  
Jade: ...  
Rose: ...  
Rose: ...okay.  
Rose: Let me just... roll to resist that...  
Rose: ...  
Rose: Only two of them are affected.  
Dave: shit  
John: dave you absolute dunce.  
Rose: The ground heaves in a mighty quake, the stone shattering underneath your feet. From the circle comes the rushing sound of wind, and then the pile of bloody bodies vanishes in a flash.  
Rose: From the depths of the lake something begins to rise; something massive.  
Rose: Writhing green tentacles adorned with ugly red suckers; long, coiling limbs that grasp the edge of the cliff and send boulders splashing into the turbulent water below.  
Jade: (totally called it)  
Rose: A massive head rises from the depths. Eight angry red eyes, glistening wet skin covered in jagged spines, a mouth of teeth each as long as a fully grown man.  
Rose: The kraken roars, a terrible sound, and you each take eight psychic damage upon hearing it. A few of the cultists keel over from this mental torment, and the rest are quickly snatched up by a tentacle and deposited into the creature’s jaws.  
Rose: All eight of its eyes train on the three of you, and appear to narrow.  
Rose: What do you do?  
John: ...  
Jade: ...  
Dave: ...  
John: ......  
Jade: ......  
Dave: ......  
John: .........  
Jade: .........  
Dave: .........  
Dave: ok i got this  
Dave: i flirtatiously approach the kraken  
John: GOD DAMN IT.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been in my drafts since like forever and I finally got around to formatting it. Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/amzngspcshp).


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